Beached Whale smiled at me. “Now, Raymond, sit and drink your tea. Soak up the sun while you wait for your grandmother. We all know sun does a body good.”
I placed my paws in my lap and let the red tea lobster.
“Raymond, drink your tea, you know how it makes your grandmother if you don’t. Besides, she pays to keep you out of the…facilities. A grandson should appreciate…” Beached Whale spouted on. I put my paws over my ears. Despite my keen sense of hearing, I couldn’t hear her anymore.
Beached Whale objected and hustled behind me. Her mighty girth and fatty smell won. “Raymond, put your dog gone hands down.” I relented and put my paws over my nose instead. Beached Whale smelled bad.
“Quiet yourself, Myrna. I can hear your blubbering from the house.” Warthog approached, ugly, wrinkly, and grey around the edges.
“Mrs. Whirlse, I’m afraid Raymond isn’t feeling up to tea today. The doctors say that-”
Warthog raised two fingers in the air silencing Beached Whale. She lifted the seat of her black skirt and sat on the edge of her chair. She glanced at me and rolled her eyes. “Raymond, why is your hands over your nose?”
Beached Whale and I exchanged glances. “Raymond, put your hands down and drink your tea.”
Beached whale smiled her fishy grin, so l left my paws where they were. Stupid, smelly Beached Whale.
Warthog sighed and motioned for Beached Whale to put two lumps in her tea. “I’m afraid, Raymond, if you continue to be uncooperative we’ll have to let Dr. Smith give you the electrical treatment again.” Warthog gave me the Evil Grin.
My pulse sped. The electrical treatment was not good. Not good at all. It made me angry. I lifted my upper lip. “Grrrr…grrr….” I said, baring my sharp teeth to let Warthog know I was serious.
“Oh my.” Beached Whale wrapped her arms around herself and stepped back. “Shall I get Kitty?”
I stood up and put my paws on the table. I snapped at Warthog.
“Tell Kitty she is needed immediately in the garden.”
As Beached Whale heaved off, Warthog’s eyes met mine and I sat down. Sneering. Waiting.
“Raymond? You barking off again?” I snapped my head towards the sultry voice and let my tongue loll out.
Kitty’s curvaceous figure sashayed through the garden gate, racing my pulse in ways different from a moment ago.
“Kitty, he’s growling at me again,” said Warthog.
“Aw, Mrs. Whirlse,” Kitty bent to my face giving a good helping of cleavage, “I’m sure Raymond didn’t mean it. Did you, Raymond?”
Kitty’s eyes teased me. I wagged my tail. I nodded my head. I panted. Kitty smiled. I smiled back.
“You wouldn’t want to be punished would you?”
I panted harder, letting drool roll down my chin.
“I don’t think you’ll have anymore problems with growling today, Mrs. Whirlse.”
Kitty stood and patted my head. “Good doggie.”
That’s what she said last night when I made her purr.
“Now, drink your tea or else…” Warthog sat on the edge of her chair looking warty and hoggy.
Beached Whale stepped back and whispered to Kitty, “He’ll need the treatment again.” Kitty ignored her.
I looked at my teacup and lifted it in both paws. I glanced up at Warthog. She bent over the table observing my every move. I raised the cup to my nose, whiffed, and looked at Warthog again. She stared back. Challenging me.
I farted.
“That’s enough!” Warthog slammed down her teacup.
I tipped my head back and poured tea down my throat.
“Good, Raymond,” said Kitty.
I put down the cup. Warthog stood. She raised her nose and assessed me like a doctor would a patient. “You may stay. Tea tomorrow. Same time. If you don’t drink tea you know the consequences. Kitty? Come.”
Kitty followed Warthog out of the garden leaving me with Beached Whale.
“You’re despicable…” she began. I put my paws over my ears and thought about petting Kitty tonight and tea with Warthog tomorrow.
(previously published at The New Absurdist)
25 comments:
awesome! very great language... the beached whale "spouted", gave a "fishy grin"... said "...put your 'doggone' hands down" to the dog. i'd have to reprint the whole thing to go thru' it all... but just to let you know, that's 'my' kind of 'punny' voice. simply loved it! ;p
very punny! what is it about the art of the pun that make them so universally loved by writers? a whale of a tale!
Indeed, punriffic! However, while amusing, I think you mean "assessed" with this line:
"She raised her nose and accessed me like a doctor would a patient."
:)
Ahhh, that was hilarious. Thanks Jodi, for a good belly laugh. Needed that today. I do love some punnin' fun!!!
This is my kind of tea party. "I can hear your blubbering..." and "That’s what she said last night when I made her purr" are such great, witty lines. You packed this with so much goodness it'll take at least three more readings for me soak it all in. Whale done, Jodi.
So weird you think words must be missing.
So weird you think you're missing something.
Devoted to oddity from word choice to character names to the whole premise. Probably the boldest entry in today's #fridayflash. Thanks for sharing, Jodi!
Excellent word play. You are a wonder. Don't ever put down that pen.
Five Frumious Bandersnatches out of Five! Your pen bests even the most Vorpal of swords.
Very inspiring bit of oddity you have provided us, here. I am most grateful.
Q. How many surrealists does it take to write a #FridayFlash story?
Very loopy.
Coincidentally, the captcha I'm about to write is WARTHRA. Spooky.
So dang witty. Love it. I can see this illustrated. Thanks for the HUGE GRIN I had from reading your ff today. Peace, Linda
nice stuff Jodi.
"Warthog sat on the edge of her chair looking warty and hoggy"
So unique and so funny Jodi! I love it!
A very punny tea party. :) I think the Mad Hatter would have been scared...
I found you via #fridayflash.
I loved this story. You're brilliant at writing dialogue - it sounds realistic and makes your characters come to life.
I liked how kitty gave a 'good helping of cleavage'.
:)
This is patently absurd -- well done! :) I've read this before of course ... but I won't say where. I know you want to remain incognito.
Love the tale and the language. It's all so Lewis Carroll, and the image fits well. What is it about black & white checkerboard that evokes feelings of curiouser Victoriana?
So many delightful lines here, and your dialogue always draws me in! But the characters in this were the most outstanding! Purrfect one Jodi;]
Very odd and really fun to read. I felt as if I'd gone down the rabbit hole. Great to read something different.
I'll take those Five Frumious Bandersnatches, Trev!
If there were any way I could possibly express how much fun I have dancing with these characters...but most of you already know. You've done it yourselves.
Thanks for reading and commenting everybody.
I love the surrealism of the story! You can really feel the characters though, even through the fun and funky descriptions!
This is definitely a fun read, but there's an undercurrent I feel that reminds me of a blog I used to read of a young person with a very unusual mental disorder. So even though I thoroughly enjoyed the repartee, I somehow heard this person's voice through the whole thing.
I loved it.
Loved it, Jodi! Lots of fun and insanity.
The opening is so unusual it is an instant hook. The voice is so consistant thoughout it really put the reader into Raymond's head. A very disturbed head, indeed.
Sometimes insanity is fun.
~jon
Excellent story. A very fun read. Looks like you probably had a lot of fun writing that one, too.
Where on earth did you find this set of characters?
I'd give my eye teeth, and those of as many as I could find from whom to steal, to dance with these characters.
Great fun. Wonderful nonsense, artfully done.
Thank you for the enjoyable read.
Surrealism with one's first coffee of the morning enhances the experience!
I think KjM said it best: "Wonderful nonsense, artfully done"
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